What is my motivation?

For those of you who are familiar with me or my blog , you know that I teach.  This year I am teaching reading to middle schoolers that are at least 2-4 years below grade level.  The behavior is horrible.  Most days I wonder why I even chose the teaching profession.  The students do not care to learn.. Or at least that is what I thought.  One of my co-workers asked the students why they were struggling?  Many said it was their home lives.  Many said that they were so far behind that they felt they could not catch up.  Others said that they wanted to just play because they play at home.  Other students expressed that their parent felt that they would never amount to anything or be anything other than a failure.  Or in other words, just like their mother or father.  After asking them what the issue was, the students came up with solutions on how they can do and be better.  They all came up with a plan.  That was admirable, but sadly today, the same behaviors ensued.

This interchange made me think. Those classes that have the most behavior issues have about twenty five students in them.  If they only had about 15 students it would make it easier to meet their needs.  Instead they are packed into a small classroom like sardines. All across the nation education budgets are being cut.  No one cares about these minority students and their academic progress because it requires money to help them.  These students don't have the social skills or communication skills to ask for help.  Many of them lash out because they are unable to express their emotions properly.  They are angry, hungry, and many of them have been mistreated.  Part of our student population is homeless.

As a teacher, I am unsure of how to solve their issues.  I am overworked, underpaid, disrespected by the media, students, parents, and administrative staff. I have contemplated finding another profession because teaching has become a dumping ground.  Every time I have a horrific day and apply for a new job, I think about the impact on my students and I decide to stay a little while longer.  These kids have had so many teachers walk out of their lives after about 3-4 weeks of teaching them.  I don't wish to be in that number.  Sadly, I sympathize with the plight of the teachers that left.  (The behavior is really, really, really bad.)  I often hear the following song playing in my head throughout the day.\

I don't know what I am going to do about my children here at the school, but I am gonna go home over the weekend and come up with a new game plan.....

The next time you want to malign a teacher's performance, you probably shouldn't.

Melanin Fatigue

I have been a minority all of my life, and I am quite happy with the skin I am in.  However, of late it seems as if the United States of America has declared war on those of us with melanin, XX chromosomes, and a salary of way less than 100K/year.  As an African American teacher, I comfortably fit in each category.

From newspapers to politicians it is hard out here for a minority.  It is  not okay for me to embrace my ethnicity.   Being black means the following in 2013:  You will be denigrated, you can be shot for asking for help, and it is assumed that you are part of the population that has stolen from the majority population by virtue of your existence. You can have all the education in the world, but that doesn't mean anything. You are still considered subpar.

I love social media, and I really enjoy twitter, but twitter tells me in glaring detail all about the things that I am not , and the various slights I have suffered, whether real or perceived.  I am aware of the realities of being a working class black woman in America.  Unfortunately I must be privy to the onslaught of the burden that my race has become.  Driving and needing help while black will get you murdered. If your skin isn't light then you will never get a man, and a host of other drivel.  Blackface is still prevalent in 2013, and apparently Dave Chapelle was not only a comedian he was a prophet.

I am suffering from fatigue.  Those with the privilege of just being themselves without having to be a representative of the race have it made.  I am tired of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and that I must be as perfect as I can be or else the full force of the law will come down on me and I will be unable to recover from that interaction.  I am tired of feeling like I must be a perfect citizen just in case something bad happens to me and my humanity is questions.  I am tired.  I am so tired of this burden than I am forced to carry.  I have small children and I have worked really hard to keep the specter of racism at bay.  I am unsure of how long I will be able to do that.  Until the day that I have to have that conversation with my children, I will continue to shoulder all of the burdens that being a person of color brings.    Oh and yes, this is a race-themed post USA Today.