Thursday, November 14, 2013

Contemplating Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals

Lately, I have been feeling depressed. Not the bummed out because it is raining depressed.  I have been there before.  I can normally shake it off  put on a happy face and keep it moving.  Unfortunately, I am unable to do that now.  For about five of the last six months I have had suicidal thoughts.  I am talking the kind of thoughts that have me feeling as if I can no longer leave my bed, let alone my home.  But since I am not independently wealthy and I work in a helping profession, I  manage to drag myself out of bed and force myself to work, and get my children ready.  I am supposed to be strong but I keep feeling liked I am going to break at any minute.

I often fantasize about what life would be like if I had more money.  If I didn't have so many adults depending on me, and I get depressed all over again.  It's not that I don't mind helping folks.  I love to help.  The problem is trying to maintain two households and be a safety net when I don't really have one myself.  I feel the loss of my father profoundly at these times.  He was my safety net, my friend, and a confidante. He always had something practical and profound to say at times like this.  He has been dead for a decade now, and some days it feels like he died just yesterday.  Who can I turn to?  How can I stop this pain and madness?  I am self aware and intellectually I understand that I am underneath a lot of stress and I am experiencing depression.  Unfortunately, I am powerless to stop it .

I am the mother of three children ages eight, five, and four.  They are the only reason I have not been able to even consider being serious about suicide.  But the mental anguish that I have been going through monthly can often be too much to bear.  The depression sucks the joy out of my life and then just as soon as it arrives it goes away. I have jokingly talked to my friends and told them that I often feel like I want to go buy cigarettes and never return. (I don't smoke so that is an exercise in futility.)  My children and spouse both suffer because of my depressive state.  What's a girl to do?  And just as soon as the depression arrives, it is gone.  I then feel normal again. I began reflecting on when the depression occurs.  It usually happens about five days before my menstrual cycle and stays till my period is almost over.  I think I am suffering from pmdd.  I will be going to see my doctor about this current phenomena I am experiencing.

Do any of you suffer from depression?  Is it hormonal, environmental, Situational?

1 comment:

joesimtre said...

Very courageous.. I'm glad you are venting about this instead of bottling it up. You are on your way therapeutically to a better and happier life.